Alex Rodriguez needs to fire his publicist if he has one, or get one if he does not; his disingenuous, embarrassing news conferences and apologies don't cut it.

I'm applying for that publicist position by virtue of the prepared remarks I am about to hand Mr. Rodriguez - as follows.

"I know what I did was wrong and I certainly understand why any apology on my part will seem contrived and insincere; I brought that on myself."

"To make amends, if that is even possible, I am donating my entire salary for the 2009 Major League Baseball season to be designated for drug-abuse prevention programs throughout the United States. I understand that this gesture will not make up for what I have done, but hopefully it will be a deterrent for young athletes who might otherwise be foolish enough to try and follow my bad example."

Sincerely,
A-ROD

Should Mr. Rodriguez decide to use this statement, I hereby authorize him to donate my fee-for-services along with his salary to the aforementioned drug-abuse prevention programs.